I would say normal parenting confessions but probably not

I just had a conversation with a couple of friends about expectations of ourselves and each other as parents during this stupid stupidtime and the futility of making comparisons with other people and in the spirit of keeping things real would like to provide you with a balanced account of how we are doing here in this last week before we transition from fighting about nothing to fighting about school.

1. The kids watch a ****-ton of TV. It has been on since 7:30 this morning. It is a hundred degrees outside and everyone is sick of each other and the only thing that keeps them unified is the carefully developed system they have for who chooses the show. Every time I turn it off my day gets a lot harder, so why mess with it, I say.

2. Last night the two big kids went outside to play at eight o'clock at night. I didn't want the little kids to go out with them so that meant I had to find them something to do. What I *had* been planning was to put everyone to bed early so that *I* could have control over the TV and let's be honest the wine. We pacified them by getting out the Mexican Train dominos for a game and then that turned into listening to Texas country which turned into teaching the little kids how to Two Step. Naturally this fifteen minutes of super-parenting ended up on social media.

3. At quarter to ten I texted a neighbor to see if she knew where my kids were.

4. I spent an hour today reading correspondence from the primary kids' teachers, adding items to our shared calendar, and making a Google Doc with all of their zoom information.

5. After this I turned on the Gilmore Girls and went facedown in a bag of Mint Milanos.

6. And then the piano tuner came by for a quick repair and while I was holding open the top of the piano for him (mask on, hands completely over my head, holding something sort of heavy and delicate) I was whisper screaming over my shoulder at the children to STOP HOPPING AROUND ME MANIACALLY AND SOMEONE PLEASE GO CLOSE THE DAMNED DOOR.

6b. It is hard to communicate via whisper screaming while wearing a face mask.

7. One of my kids tortures another one by singing a song from our closing campfire in Maine.

8. The kids and I binge Gilmore Girls together. It is not appropriate by my pre-pandemic standards, but this is not pre-pandemic time! We all love it.

9. We are going to drive-through communion tomorrow, together as a family. If last week's drive in church is any indication I will need a second round of communion before we get back on the highway.

10. I started paying James a nickel a glass to drink water.

11. I had school supplies delivered in a timely enough fashion that I did not have to overspend or panic buy.

12. I remember my login information for zero of the kids' learning management systems.

13. And the story I will forever use to win every parenting conversation ever: Once my impeccably dressed backdoor neighbor came over to apologize profusely to me (wearing pajamas at 9:45 in the morning) because her dog seemed to have escaped her yard into mine and there dug up "one of our old pets" and dragged its SKELETON back through the fence into her yard. She was terribly sorry. I assured her that everything was fine, said my goodbyes, closed the door, and then turned around and yelled at a kid "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP BRINGING HOME SKELETONS!" 99% sure she heard me.