Thursday, July 2, 2015

We will never speak of this again

Wednesday we decided to rally bright and early and head for the Y. If we played our cards right, we'd have time for a quick trip to Target to replace all the underpants lost to the black hole of summer camp, then I could do my olympic power walking, and we would be walking into the outdoor pool area right around the time swim lessons were over (for all the families that got their s*** together this year, sorry kids, registration is during finals week, have a floatie) and the pool was open for everyone to use.

Ryan loaded everyone into the car while I scrambled around the first floor gathering all of our swimsuits and packing a bag of snacks (if this pool trip didn't last until noon aka naptime our day would have been SCREWED). I was also straightening the breakfast dishes and finding my shoes and all my workout things at the same time so I was a bit distracted, but this is normal. As long as four pounds of grapes and an armload of Capri Suns made it into the car we'd be set.

Finally we were in the car and backing out of the driveway. We made it through Target without incident. The kids were happy and helpful and excited. We crossed the parking lot in cute little pairs of kids holding hands, buckled in, then headed to the Y.

When I was pulling the stroller out of the trunk at the Y my swimsuit bottoms fell out of the bag and onto the parking lot which reminded me of a thought I'd had an hour previously at my house. The thought was "pack your swimsuit top."

No no no no no NO NONONONONONO. I said out loud, the panic starting to rise in my throat. It startled the kids. Charley asked me what was going on.

I answered while throwing handfuls of swimsuits and goggles and juiceboxes out of the pool bag all over the road.

I forgot my swimsuit top. I FORGOT MY SWIMSUIT TOP. NONONONONONONO.

Now. I know you know that one does not just *disappoint* a carload of children who were expecting to go to the pool and who also outnumber you by FOUR TIMES and who are standing in a very public parking lot.

In other words. There was no way we were returning home for a swimsuit top. Which meant I would be swimming in my tankini bottoms...AND MY BRA.

Fortunately, I was wearing a very substantial (practically certified by a professional engineer, as per my physical therapist's recommendations that I am very grateful for now) hot pink, non-cotton, sports bra that could easily have passed as a swimsuit top. But that is completely beside the fact that A) I have not worn a bikini since my honeymoon which took place amid strangers a thousand miles from home in a very, VERY different time in my life and B) I HAVE FOUR BRIGHT PINK SURGICAL INCISIONS ON MY ABDOMEN.

After my workout, which included an extra intensity level and an extra five minutes because of the upcoming public mortification, we crammed into the family changing room. While the kids changed I put on my swimsuit bottoms and sneaked a quick glance in the mirror. Not terrible. Not great. I figured I was about the 50th percentile. I'll take that, considering the alternative was going home where the bored kids would eat me for lunch.

I did an extra careful and thorough sunscreen job on the kids, prolonging the inevitable, and then, finally, with a quick glance around to make sure the kids' assistant principal wasn't there (I'd run into her there before and she is lovely, but I did not want to be hanging out with her IN MY BRA) I slowly removed my shirt.

Wes sensed my trepidation and said I looked great. He is my favorite.

Once we all got in the pool my fears of people seeing me half naked were quickly usurped by fears of getting caught by a lifeguard. I mean, I know I was adequately covered but can you imagine a lifeguard telling you you have to get out of the Y pool because "you're not wearing a swimsuit"? CAN YOU IMAGINE?

So I kept to the side of the pool far away from the lifeguards and tried to have as much fun as possible. Which wasn't hard because Mary just learned to use a Puddle Jumper vest and she looks so cute just dangling her long legs in the water.

Really it was no big deal until it was adult swim and I had to fold myself into a deck chair while I rummaged through our bag for the snacks. That is not a flattering angle for anyone. James wanted to know why adult tummies look different than kid tummies.

We had fun swimming for the rest of the morning, except for the part when Wes got pissed because I wouldn't let him go alone to the indoor pool slide (and instead told him he had to use either of the TWO outdoor pool slides like some kind of peasant) and ripped off his swim bracelet and pouted on our deck chair for the entire hour between adult swims (I thought he was pouting but he was actually eating his way through the rest of our snack bag, MATCH POINT WES). Even then *I* was having fun with the other three kids while Wes proved a point. We left around noon and had lunch and naps and a very nice afternoon at home. With my shirt on. Fully clothed. Not naked.

5 comments:

Chiconky said...

You're awesome. I told a complete stranger who was lamenting her suit choice, "Damn! You look good!", then realized that was less encouraging and more pervy DL suburb mom. so, I probably would have said something grossly inappropriate but meant that you rocked that sports bra!

LL said...

I love everything about this post so very much and I bet you looked fab!

Sassy Apple said...

Bahaha! You know, if we didn't live hundreds of miles from one another, you and I would be great friends. I say that in a very sincere 'I'm not stalking you' kind of way.

candy said...

My lips are sealed! PS: I have been taking your cue and doing some amateur Olympic Race Walking...it does make the old back feel better, doesn't it?? Hugs and happy 4th of July to all the Edwardses! xoxox

A. said...

You are a very, very good mom :-). And I'm sure you looked great!

p.s. - so glad you left a comment on my blog post last night - I hadn't realized your domain name had expired, and I've just been seeing the same post in my blogroll feed for the last couple of months, so I thought you hadn't been blogging. But I'm all caught up now! Your kitchen and new van look fab!!