Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Mary's guide to professionalism

1. Relax in your stroller and act like a normal human being during all coffee breaks and poster sessions. This will lull everyone into a false sense of security that you will continue to behave that way once inside the quiet meeting room.

2. When you hear the moderator begin to speak, this is your chance to start getting fidgety. Be briefly appeased by a change in position, from stroller to lap, from lap to shoulder. But don't get too comfy because...

3. Fart loud fart often.

4. After the end of the first speaker, when everyone claps, lose your effing mind because clapping is terrifying.

5. And also you pooped out the leg of your diaper.

6. As if by magic, become delightful once out in the hall. Attract a crowd of admirers.

7. Every time your mom even considers going back into the meeting room to retrieve the stroller and bag, screech like a velociraptor.

8. When your mom sighs and says "I guess we should just go back to the hotel", throw her a bone and fall asleep in the stroller for ninety minutes.

9. Juuuust make sure those ninety minutes end riiiiight at the beginning of the next session.

10. Laugh with excitement when your mom agrees to feed you for the fourth time in as many hours.

11. When settled in, moan with pleasure and kick your feet against the arm of the person sitting next to you. Bonus points if you can knock the pen out of his hand.

12. When finished, emerge from blanket tent red-faced and dazed-looking, engage admirers in row behind you, burp as loud as possible.

13. Around four-thirty, plan to absolutely hit the freaking wall. Those last four talks aren't that important (to babies). Squirm, fuss, scream, cry, do whatever you have to do until your mom starts running with the stroller out of the convention center.

14. Lie on hotel bed and screech at light fixture until dinnertime.

15. Sleep soundly from 7-12 and then demand loudly to be let out of the crib and put into the big bed.


LL said...

4 is my favorite, though 7 is special too. I think we're going to hear a lot of velociraptor from the 3rd row of the Highlander when we drive to Colorado on Friday. I still can't really wrap my head around the fact we're voluntarily spending 14 hours in the car with Cora (twice!) in the next week in the name of family fun. (But I totally know it's going to be.) Hope the rest of the conference and your travels home go well!

snarkymommy said...

15. It's always 15. Even now in hotels.

Amber said...

Glad to know that I am not the only momma who has witnessed my child do a perfect impersonation of a velociraptor. Props to you for taking Mary with you into the conference! I took Dominic with me to the radar conference, but my mom came along to to lend a hand in between sessions.

sarah said...

"fart loud fart often"

That's just good sense.

Life in Vet School said...

11 and 12 killed me. :) I took H to a veterinary conference when he was 2.5 months old, and he was AMAZING!!! He slept in the Bjorn through almost every session. New baby E is more Mary's speed. There will be no meetings with this one!