1. Relax in your stroller and act like a normal human being during all coffee breaks and poster sessions. This will lull everyone into a false sense of security that you will continue to behave that way once inside the quiet meeting room.
2. When you hear the moderator begin to speak, this is your chance to start getting fidgety. Be briefly appeased by a change in position, from stroller to lap, from lap to shoulder. But don't get too comfy because...
3. Fart loud fart often.
4. After the end of the first speaker, when everyone claps, lose your effing mind because clapping is terrifying.
5. And also you pooped out the leg of your diaper.
6. As if by magic, become delightful once out in the hall. Attract a crowd of admirers.
7. Every time your mom even considers going back into the meeting room to retrieve the stroller and bag, screech like a velociraptor.
8. When your mom sighs and says "I guess we should just go back to the hotel", throw her a bone and fall asleep in the stroller for ninety minutes.
9. Juuuust make sure those ninety minutes end riiiiight at the beginning of the next session.
10. Laugh with excitement when your mom agrees to feed you for the fourth time in as many hours.
11. When settled in, moan with pleasure and kick your feet against the arm of the person sitting next to you. Bonus points if you can knock the pen out of his hand.
12. When finished, emerge from blanket tent red-faced and dazed-looking, engage admirers in row behind you, burp as loud as possible.
13. Around four-thirty, plan to absolutely hit the freaking wall. Those last four talks aren't that important (to babies). Squirm, fuss, scream, cry, do whatever you have to do until your mom starts running with the stroller out of the convention center.
14. Lie on hotel bed and screech at light fixture until dinnertime.
15. Sleep soundly from 7-12 and then demand loudly to be let out of the crib and put into the big bed.