Friday, January 31, 2014

Pants Odyssey 2014

Instead of hosting a dinner and dancing Christmas party this year, Ryan's company doled out cold hard cash as a Christmas present to their employees.  Ryan very nicely gave his to me as a thank you for several things including: creating four human beings with my body, doing most of the laundry, and not flipping out too much when he suddenly has to work late into the night.

So I have had this $150 gift card burning a hole in my pocket for several weeks, waiting for just the right thing to come along.  Originally that right thing was going to be an ass that just won't quit, because of all the running, but we all know how that ended up, so when I saw a 40% off sale at the Gap I figured I should just suck it up and buy some jeans for the ass I already have and will probably have until, well, forever (SET POINT ANYONE?).

Do you know how hard it is for me to coordinate a trip to the Gap?

First of all, the store is near the preschool, which seems convenient until you realize that preschool dropoff is at 9:00 and Gap opens at 10:00, meaning I'd have to cool my heels with Mary doing *something* (probably eating) for nearly an hour.  That's Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Tuesday and Thursday I am at work all day and while it would theoretically be possible to sneak away in the afternoon to run that particular errand, there is no Gap within twenty miles of where I work and even if there was I would have The Guilt about shopping during babysitting time.  I don't leave the house after dark as it cuts into my very important sitting on the couch in flannel pants time.

This left only online shopping, which is probably just as well since online shopping doesn't involve all the dressing room histrionics typically associated with denim shopping.

So during Downton Abbey a couple of weeks ago, I went to and went on a super fun little shopping spree for me and Mary and when my cart was at $149.50, I whipped out my trusty little gift card and entered in the numbers.

And wouldn't you know it, freaking Visa gift cards don't really work for online shopping.  Ryan took personal offense to this and spent the next hour calling customer service, both at Visa and the Gap trying to figure it out.  Finally I suggested we just use the regular credit card and that I would use the gift card for necessary in-store purchases like diapers and wine.  He finally agreed to this plan the next morning and I placed the order.

Two ice storms later, the package finally arrived.  I was so excited to see my new non-maternity skinny jeans (did I tell you I'm still wearing my maternity skinny jeans?  Because they're my only skinny jeans?  And they have an elastic waistband?  HOTT.).  I pulled them on and, oh.  They were way too short.  Like, ankle bones were showing short.  I tried to convince myself I could deal with this, but knowing myself as I do I knew I would be annoyed every time I put them on.

So last night, I broke rule numero uno and left the house after dark to go to the mall to exchange them for a pair in the same size, but in the "long" version.

I schlepped through the oddly empty mall wondering why in the world I had spent so much time there in high school and finally got to the Gap and headed straight to the jeans display in the back when the sales lady came over to ask if she could help.

As it turns out, she could not help because I wear such a freakish size it is ONLY AVAILABLE ONLINE.

OK, I said, I'll just return these, then.

Oh, sorry, she said, you can only return that style online since we don't sell them at the store.

She called out after me about printing the free shipping label but I was already stalking out of the store in frustration.  I did not stop to admire the skirt I saw on the way in.  I did not stop at clearance to load up on black tshirts.  ALL I WANTED WERE SOME FREAKING PANTS.

I went home determined to wear sensible boot cut jeans for the rest of my days.  And to eat lots of brownies.

But this MORNING, I went to a different store that rhymes with Mold Maybe, who deigns to stock MY SIZE JEANS.  I picked out two styles, both of which were on sale, took them to the back, and found them to be a comfortable and flattering fit.  And I left wondering why it had been so long since I'd been in that particular store since I remember it being kind of a weekly habit in college.

Epilogue: I bought some freaking pants.  It took more than two weeks, several phone calls, a trip to the post office, and four different stores.  This is why I don't update my style very often.


Doc said...


I enjoyed your post and I'm a little afraid to tell you that the store that rhymes with 'Mold Maybe' and Gap have the same parent they got your money anyway...I'm so, so sorry. Don't bite the messenger.

Happy FRIIIIIIIIDAY from another lady-prof.

Chiconky said...

Stupid pants! I'm rotating the same two pairs of jeans because I refuse to buy pants until I'm skinny. Which means I'll be wearing skinny jeans well into my 60s

Anonymous said...

i only have 3 boys (youngest 15 months old) but i have the same problem about getting out to shop. i like Tall tops, which neither gap nor mold maybe carry in stores. this december, I found there's a place on the online return form where you can request package pick up. my mail carrier picked up the return package right from my mailbox (for free). so the whole process took forever, but I did eventually get some tops that fit, and I didn't actually have to schedule a trip to the store, which i consider a huge win. of course i did slip on black ice walking out to the freaking mailbox, and my tailbone hurt for 2 weeks. so maybe it wasn't such a complete win after all, sigh.

Erica said...

I am a huge proponent of sensible boot-cut jeans, myself. Possibly because they were super cool when I was a teenager a million years ago.

sarah said...

omg, Mold Maybe was the best line ever. I hate skinny jeans. I wish I didn't, but they always feel so constricting (perhaps because I am not, as it were, skinny). I need someone to make real jeans that feel like yoga pants.