Overheard at HEB:
I want to push the cart.
No I want to push the cart. No I want to push the cart.
NO ONE IS PUSHING THE CART BUT ME.
I want to walk.
No, you have to ride in the cart.
But I want to walk. I waaaaaannnnnnttttt to wallllllllllllk WAAAAAAAH
You'll get in the cart or you're taking a nap the second we get home.
Charlie, could you go pick out a yellow bell pepper please?
WATCH OUT!!!!!!! OK, guys, when you push the cart you have got to watch out for other people. I am so sorry, sir, can you bend your ankle OK? Happy New Year!
Stop here, we need some sausage. Stop here. STOP HERE. Wes, come back here and hold the cart. WES. BACK HERE.
Meat is murder.
Charlie, I have told you repeatedly that you may not criticize other people's decision to eat meat.
I cold! I cold! I cold!
Waaah! Waaah! Waah!
James, give Mary her blanket back.
But I cold, Mama!
WATCH OUT!!! (straightens American cheese display obliterated by shopping cart)
I'm pushing the cart now. No, me. Me. I'm pushing the cart. No. No. No. No. No.
Wes, come back over here with us. Wes, come back. WES! COME PUT YOUR HAND ON THE CART RIGHT NOW.
No, we don't need a Hormel footballl-themed soup thermos. No. Please put it back. BECAUSE.
No, we don't need butter, OK fine, throw it in.
Sit down in the cart, sit down in the cart, sit down in the cart.
Wes, put that back so help me God.
Wes come back over by the cart.
Oops, we forgot diced tomatoes we have to go back.
Oops, we forgot yogurt we have to go back.
Oops, we forgot cereal we have to go back.
Oops, we forgot eggs we have to go back.
WES? WES? WHERE ARE YOU WES? OH, good. PUT YOUR HAND ON THE CART AND DON'T LET GO EVEN IF THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE OR I WILL LOCK YOU IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL PAPA GETS HOME.
Can we get some "child wine"?
I'm buying some Italian soda for a New Year's toast.
No, I want "CHILD wine!!"
I don't know where the "child wine" is. We'll have to go find it.
It's RIGHT THERE!
Oh, no, that says "Chilled Wine". Just go grab two of whatever label you like best.
Be careful that's fragile!
Stop smooshing the bread. Stop smooshing the bread. Stop smooshing the bread JAMES FTLOG!!!
Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. I know you're tired but you can't sleep here. Get up.
I'm really sorry (to the ten people waiting patiently for me to scrape Wes off the floor of the pasta aisle so they can get by). Happy New Year!
EGGS!! Let's get some of these funny little eggs!!
Those are black eyed peas.
I know you're hungry, we're going to eat lunch in a few minutes at home.
I. WANT. NONUT! NONUT! NONUT! WAAAAAAH.
We're going to eat at home. WE'REEATINGATHOMESTOPHITTINGME.
Oh, shoot, I forgot a red bell pepper. Let's not worry about it because I WOULD RATHER MAKE A SECOND TRIP THAN SPEND ANOTHER SINGLE MILLISECOND IN THIS GODFORSAKEN STORE.
WES STOP PLAYING WITH THAT CONVEYOR BELT AND PUT YOUR FREAKING HAND ON THE FREAKING CART BEFORE I HAVE A FREAKING ANEURYSM.