Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Academomia's Guide to Bedtime Routines by Birth Order

First Baby:  When putting your first baby down for a cozy night's rest, it is important that your husband leave work early so you can spend the hours of 4:30-6:30 preparing him for sleep as a family.  You should start with a soothing bath using warm water (always test the water temperature using a thermometer) and organic jasmine scented baby wash made by nuns on a dairy farm in Vermont.  After the bath, your husband should dry, lotion, and dress the baby in a clean pair of pajamas while you perform your specially designed relaxation yoga sequence to stimulate milk production and letdown.  When baby is ready (as indicated by the following cues: yawning, eye rubbing, mouthing of the hands), light candles and play soft music, nurse the baby until he is asleep.  Once you are sure he is asleep, gently lay him on his back in his crib, start the white noise machine, extinguish all candles, and tiptoe backwards out of the room.  Check on him fourteen times an hour until you go to bed.

Fourth Baby:  Set older children up with their dinner then carry your screaming infant around one-handed for thirty minutes as you gather dirty clothes for the washer, kick toys into the playroom, and load the dishwasher.  When children are finished, yell over the noise to nag them about clearing the table.  Lay baby on kitchen counter and secure with free hand while you throw handfuls of chocolate kitty cat crackers at hungry siblings like a farmer feeding a flock of chickens.  Scoop baby up, gather a clean diaper, wipes, a pair of pajamas, and a swaddling blanket, shoo older children out the front door to play, then sit on the porch.  Diaper infant in your lap while yelling to your toddler to stay out of the street.  Wrestle extremely pissed off two-month old baby into footie pajamas.  Belatedly remember and call your oldest back inside to go practice piano.  Use scary mom voice to warn oldest child of consequences of continuing to speak that way.  Carry half-dressed baby across yard to physically drag toddler away from the curb.  Continue dressing baby.  Swaddle baby.  Make unsuccessful attempt to visually locate five year old.  Re-swaddle crafty Houdini infant.  Remove shirt.  Greet male neighbor walking his dog.  Nurse baby.  Watch five year old run across neighbor's yard wearing a fairy-princess ballgown and a Darth Vader mask.  Help toddler who has carried a full gallon of orange juice and a cup out to the porch to ask for "Dooce pease?"  Switch baby to other side.  Call down street to ask five year old to stop building Stonehenge out of the neighbor's landscaping rocks.  Baby falls asleep.  Allow chaos to reign around you for the twenty minutes it takes your husband to get home lest you speak and wake the baby.  When husband arrives, carry sleeping baby to crib.  Perform sacred dance and snuff the area with sage to ensure baby does not wake up before midnight because THERE IS STILL SO MUCH CRAP TO DO.  When baby wakes up thirty minutes later, snuggle up in the dark while husband herds loud, stompy, reluctant older children into bed.


Chiconky said...

Yes! I especially loved "remove shirt...greet male neighbor." You're hilarious!

Sarah said...

Always so much crap to do! James and the juice cracked me up.

Candy said...

Yes! I can just picture James and the jug on the front porch...after all he was 3rd in the order, a guy who knows the drill...Mary will be superwoman!