My Dear Darling Boys,
I would like to apologize for the harsh words we shared outside the Rosa's Mexican Cafe after lunch today. I was unclear regarding my expectations for your behavior during lunch. Given the distance a three-way simulnap/forced confinement provides, I now understand the confused look you gave me when I corrected your behavior in front of our friends. To prevent a similar situation from occurring in the future, I would like to outline my expectations for your behavior here.
1. When you are finished with your drink, you may put the cup on the table near your plate. Please do not attack it with your teeth, attempt to "break it's neck" by shaking it vigorously from side to side, and then spit the shreds of styrofoam out onto your plate.
2. Your straw is not a sword.
3. While honey is not a traditional condiment for a bean and cheese burrito, I am willing to look the other way if it means that you will eat your lunch quietly. I will not look the other way if you eat your honey-soaked beans by licking them off your tortilla or scooping them off with your fingers and rubbing them on your cheeks.
4. If for some reason your hands are covered with a sticky mass of honey and refried beans, and you would like to clean them up, you may use a napkin. I will be happy to provide one. In the absence of a napkin it is never acceptable to wipe your messy hands in your brother's hair.
5. Your straw is not a light saber.
6. If you become disinterested in the meal, you may sit quietly until everyone has finished. Pouring an entire 20 oz. glass of iced tea onto my plate will only get your high chair pushed sufficiently far from the table as to prevent you from further destroying my lunch.
7. The appropriate reaction to the, totally understandable, crushing disappointment of having to share an order of rice with another family member is not to throw all of the food wrappers onto the floor then pout for several minutes.
8. Use your fork.
9. Use your fork.
10. USE YOUR FORK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
11. Food is for our tummies, not the floor.
12. Your straw is not a gun.
I hope this clears up any misunderstanding you may have felt. Again, I am sorry for being unclear. I look forward to dining with you again soon. At our house.