You guys, it is RAINING. I can't tell you how happy I am about this. It was supposed to come overnight and when I woke up at 5:00 and it was not raining I was disappointed. Like a child-like, totally out of proportion kind of disappointed. But then I sneaked downstairs (hard to do with my poppy-creaky knees) and checked the radar and sure enough, it was still on its way. Which was great because I go to yoga on Tuesday mornings and I'm hoping one day we have a massive thunderstorm during class because I think that would be really cool.
So during yoga this morning (and the rain didn't start until after class, but that's ok because I didn't get to finish class anyway because someone had a blowout in the nursery. Without naming names, it was the only one of the children who continues to wear a diaper during the day who also cannot speak or walk), when I was supposed to be emptying my mind and focusing on my breath and the way my feet felt "pushing the earth out of its orbit" (eye roll), all I could think about was my career. LUCKY YOU.
So last night at yoga (am an overachiever this week) the teacher was talking about how women are so hard on themselves and I was thinking about how I'm kind of afraid to do things that I don't think I will succeed at.
For example. My stupid publication THAT WILL NEVER BE FINISHED. Why am I having so much trouble finding time to work on it? I miss doing research. I miss knowing things. I miss reading and writing. I miss being part of the community I was once in. That Tuesday a few weeks ago when Ryan took the day off and gave me the whole day to write? WAS ABSOLUTE HEAVEN. I don't know how I can remedy those things long term, but I do have this paper right now that I need to write already. I do have time; I need to force myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it gets accepted or not, the point is that I am doing SOMETHING. I need to finish that something before I can see the next something. It's time to stop looking for the perfect job and start doing the job I have in front of me well. Eventually if I finish enough little jobs, I will probably be able to figure out the rest (maybe?).
Things are not going to get any easier, time-wise. My lecture course starts again in January and I decided not to use the lab book this time so I have to write my own lab material. I've taught the course before but it's on M-W-F this time instead of T-Th, so I'll have to rework things a little bit and add in some more class participation so I don't have to talk so much. The best time for the publication (kind of an optimistic thing to call it, isn't it?) is right now until the end of December. I can have a draft done in that time, but I'll have to focus (not my strong suit, as evidenced by having all these thoughts DURING YOGA CLASS).
The other thing I was doing this morning was fantasizing about what it would be like to live in our college town again. I feel like doing this would be fairly simple, since Ryan left on such good terms. I'm not sure *I* would be able to find work, since I have been such a slacker in the intervening years, but it's the last place I remember feeling smart and competent and I think that's what I want more than a relocation. Because it really would be just like our life here but with a smaller house, fewer friends, worse weather (HARD TO IMAGINE), and no family around (and possibly, closer proximity to the kind of job I want but without the actual ability to HAVE that job, which I think would be doubly frustrating).
For now I will enjoy the rain. And as soon as James is in bed tonight I am going to "rework the discussion section to better reflect our goals" (based on Dr. Coauthor's advice).