Sunday, July 31, 2011

If the congress behaved like my family (and sometimes they do)

Obama: Mr. Reid, Mr. Boehner, thank you for meeting with me. I'm confident that together we can come up with a solution to the debt ceiling crisis. Mr. Boehner, please get back in your chair. Get back in your chair. Get back in your chair. Mr. Boehner? Do you need a time out? Thank you. Now, who would like to begin? Mr. Reid, you have the floor.

Reid: Thank you, Mr. President. Mitch and I have drafted a series of compromises that I think you will find interesting.

Obama: Alright, let me hear them.

Reid: It's a surprise.

Obama: A surprise?

Reid: A surprise!

Obama: Can't you just tell me?

Reid: What's the magic word?

Obama: Please?

Reid: No.

Obama: Pretty please?'

Reid: No.

Obama: Would you please just tell me the compromises?

Reid: The magic word is POOP! (riotous laughter)

Obama: Please, Mr. Reid, let's hear your list of compromises.

Reid: What?

Obama: The compromises you alluded to, can I hear them please?

Reid: I wanna play golf.

Obama: OK, Mr. Boehner, let's move on to you.

Boehner: Thank you, Mr. President. The House is prepared to vote on the most recent package as soon as we clear up the timing issue. I can deliver our support on the extended deadline if you can give us several minor concessions.

Obama: Excellent, what are those concessions.

Boehner: First, no additional taxes. Second, no cuts in defense spending. Third, no changes to Social Security.

Obama: You can only have two of those things. Which two do you want most?

Boehner: No additional taxes, no cuts to defense, and no changes to Social Security.

Obama: I said pick two.

Boehner: No additional taxes, no cuts to defense, and no changes to Social Security.

Obama: You may have two. You may not have three. If you cannot pick two, you may have none.

Boehner: WAAAAAAHHHHH! WAHH! WAAAHHH! I WANT DEFENSE AND SOCIAL SECURITY AND NO MORE TAAAAAAXXXXXEEEESSSSSS!

Obama: Mr. Boehner, this behavior is not appropriate. If you cannot calm down, you will need to go to a committee room until you can. One...two...thr--much better. OK, we have two more days until it's time to default. Did you hear me? Please look at me when I'm speaking to you. Two more days until default, do you understand?

Boehner, Reid (sing-song): Yesssssss, Mr. President.

Obama: Alright now you two, have you looked for places to reduce spending?

Reid: Yes.

Boehner: (looks at shoes)

Obama: And did you find anything?

Reid, Boehner: No.

Obama: Are you sure? Did you look really, really carefully? What about in the farm bill? I thought I saw some unnecessary spending in the farm bill just this morning! Did you look in the farm bill?

Reid: Oh, uh, no.

Obama: And you, Mr. Boehner, what about that new transportation bill? Did you look there?

Reid: (snickering, unable to contain self)

Boehner: Actually, I left my copy of the transportation bill on the jet (looks at shoes).

Obama: I made you that nice transportation bill and this is what you do with it?!

Boehner: Sooorrrryyyy.

Obama: Nevermind. Now, it's almost time to default, let's go.

Reid, Boehner: But, Mr. Pres-i-dent! Just one more vote, PLEASE?

Obama: I said NOW. I want you both to go back to your offices and look again for unnecessary spending. And if I come in there and find it myself, you're not going to like what happens, got it? I'll call the press corps and cancel all of your appearances. All of them! Do you understand me? LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M SPEAKING TO YOU.

Reid, Boehner: Yes, Mr. President.

17 comments:

Sarah said...

OMG-- hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I love smart + funny. So funny!

Erin said...

I accidentally did that anonymously. So lame.

Chiconky said...

Awesome! This may be the first time I've ever really understood politics. "The magic word is POOP!"

Joy said...

Love, love, love this! You are hilarious....and not too far off. :)

Katie said...

HA! Love it!

Brooke said...

Um, this is BRILLIANT. Too funny.

Phoenix Rising said...

BRILLIANT!! This is so great!!

Snarky Mommy said...

Snort! Love this.

Kim said...

This is great - hahaha!

Meika said...

Best. Commentary. EVER.

Rima said...

BRILLIANT!

Kyla said...

Haha!!

shoverter said...

This might be the funniest (and maybe the most accurate) description of the process so far. Hilarious!

WhitMc said...

Absolutely hilarious!

Schadenfreude Warehouse said...

Wish I could write about politics like this.

sarah said...

OMG Becca, this is one of the funniest things I've ever read!!! Love it!!!