Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Mission NOT accomplished

Confession time: I only have one bra that I like. I have a total of like, three. Five if you count sports bras that fit when I was twenty-one. But this one bra is black and not the kind of black you wear when you first get married. It's the kind of black bra you wear after you've been married seven years and drive a big gold minivan. It's the kind of bra that should be paired with a matching slip that falls below the knee.

It's not exactly sexy, but it's a hard worker. Just like me.

So the other day at the school playground, presumably under the live load exerted on it by me chasing one of the children near the three-hour mark since I'd last fed the baby, the underwire of the left side came springing out of the fabric and stabbed me.

Because I am classy, I reached into my shirt to shove the wire back into place. I also noticed that I had two nursing pads balled up in one cup and none in the other. A good look, truly.

When I attempted surgery on it this morning and was unable to fix it, I knew it was time to call the time of death and buy something else. So after we dropped off the big boys James and I headed to Target, home of the fourteen-dollar bra.

We walked straight past all the cute little colorful demi cups. Those are for another time, like nineteen-ninety-eight. I was looking for some structural integrity and enough coverage that it could act as an emergency shirt in case of vomit/blowout. We were headed for the back, to black, beige, and white land. Full Coverage and Minimizing for the Lactating Woman of Eastern European Descent! (If that's not a brand name, it totally should be)

I wasn't going to be one of those people who wears the wrong size bra. I've seen Oprah. So I grabbed about five different sizes in one style and headed for the dressing room where I learned that I do not have the upper body strength required to hook the band of the size I thought I was. Swearing softly, I put it back on the hanger and grabbed the biggest of the stack. I found it slightly easier to clasp, but still felt like a praying mantis once I finally got the straps up on my shoulders.

James was very confused by all of this bra changing, by the way. Ultimately he became enraged and demanded I stop teasing him then pooped out the leg of his diaper while I was feeding him. Touche, little man. Touche.

I settled on one that kind of hurt and clearly didn't fit right but that was the biggest size I was willing to carry to the front of the store and buy in person.

Then I skulked back out there and forced myself to find some bigger ones (for my bigger ones), telling myself all the while that I needed to find something that fit so I could wear it for more than five minutes without bruising, stabbing, or rib fractures, I don't have to love it stop acting like a child!

I found some horrifyingly large candidates that looked like they would possibly also work as an umbrella for Wes work and headed back to the dressing room a third time. And two of them fit quite comfortably but were not so flattering after the t-shirt test.

I'm still wearing the stabby one pending a trip to the big guns (ha ha HA) bra store at the mall where a stern older woman will unceremoniously measure you, feel you up, then lead you to the three-hook, full coverage bra-shirts in the back.

22 comments:

Leslie said...

girl, get yourself a good NURSING bra. A good bra is worth it's weight in platinum.

Sharon (cousin-in-law) said...

I soooo identify!!!! Too funny!

Alyssa said...

Ha! This may have been the funniest post I've ever read!

You know what I did? I got two full-coverage, 3-clasp bras, and cut the underwire out of them. I do wear these only around the house (well, that's the idea, anyway). I also bought 2 nursing bras for going "out" (like the grocery store or the pharmacy :P).

Anonymous said...

Best story EVER! -abby

Amy said...

Becca, this is, HANDS DOWN, the funniest post you have ever written. I am dying over here. DYING. Yes, I had to write in all-caps.

And let me recommend the Bravado underband style. I lived in three different colors with the last two kids. Truly, truly worth the money. (I am talking about the one that actually has clasps in the back and doesn't look like a flimsy sports bra.)

LL said...

This had me laughing out loud at multiple points. You crack me up.

Remember that bras stretch a lot - so that may be why it seemed like you had to go up so much in size compared to your old one that fit just fine. I also wear bras forever and am always shocked when I go grab the same size and feel like it's cutting of my circulation (and forcing all my fat out and away from my body so my shirt can cling to it just right). After a few weeks of sucking it up, the new one starts feeling more like the comfy old one :)

But mostly I just had to tell you that this was the best blog post I've read all week- and probably month/year.

Nora said...

It is hysterical to imagine the torture to an infant of the bra-shopping peepshow. Very funny, Becca.
if you don't have Lilypadz breast pads I strongly recommend them - really, worth every penny.

Sarah said...

Finally de-lurking to post. Wonder why posts about bra shopping and nursing make me do this?! Anyway, love love love these nursing bras and nursing tanks. Wore them constantly with both babies -- and STILL wear the nursing tanks even though youngest weaned a year ago...

http://www.bravadodesigns.com/home

That said, I'm on the smaller side, bosom-wise. But these come in all sizes (sizes J/K - who knew?). They're not cheap, but worth it. Good luck! And pls, no more underwire stabbing... ;-)

Hanah said...

I will second (third) the Bravado recommendation.

Ronni said...

HILAROUS!

Rima said...

This was hilarious, Becca! Loved every word of it.

When at some point in the future you are done nursing, buy yourself a Bralelluia from Spanx. It is worth ever (expensive) penny. I am the kind of person who takes her bra off through her sleeve the minute I walk in the door, and I could seriously SLEEP in a Bralelluia.

Jessica said...

Awesome post!! I have been living with some awful bras since I got pregnant with my first one...still to this day have yet to find one that I like...The hunt is never ending!

Phoenix Rising said...

BAHHHAAAA! Oh boy! Want to know what I did last night? Walked around the bra section for 45 minutes trying not to cry. I, however, do not have the courage to write about my experience. So glad you did!!

Kyla said...

I hate bra shopping. I have two that I rotate, of the non-sexy variety.

Thus made me chuckle...especially James!

Jenny said...

I didn't get a bra fitting until 3 years after I was all done with baby stuff. I told the lady, I've gained and lost 30 pounds, had a baby, did nursing, now I think my bras from years ago can enter retirement honorably. The bra fitting did WONDERS. So do it again when nursing is done!

Sarah said...

OMG hilarious. What about nursing bras?

ALI said...

Snarky Mommy referred me here...

Love it!

I finally found a $14 bra I love. And I now have enough for each day of the week. Although, they've each had a wire poke. Regardless, I keep fixing them. I love how they pass the t-shirt test enough to keep fixing it. :)

Aubrie said...

Have to de-lurk to say that was hysterical. I've been nursing for 1 month - well endowed before, even more well endowed now. Believe me, I spent a majority of my pregnancy living out your scenario! Thank you for the laugh!
BTW - I settled on these bras by Anita, love them - and I'm a 40H when nursing.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0011MZZQ0

Mama Wonton said...

Lol... great post... sounds like alot of moms identify. If those that recommended the Bravado bras come back, can you girls tell me if there is a store that sells them... I'd like to be able to try them on before I buy them!

AJU5's Mom said...

I am almost in your shoes, although mine don't have underwire as I only got to wear "those" bras for a few weeks before I had to resort back to the nursing bras. Now I have two that fit and another that somewhat fits. I know I need more because the ones I have won't last forever. But, I don't want to go bra shopping, especially since I am afraid I will just get bigger soon...

GMP said...

This was hilarious!
Delurking to give you a
full-coverage bra tip:

Lilyette Minimizer

After years of torture, this is the only bra I have ever really liked that also liked me back (I'm a 40DDD, aka 40F). And there is no bra that looks better than this one under a T-shirt.

However, I stayed away from underwire while nursing -- had a bad bout of mastitis with the last kid around the area squished by the wire.

sarah said...

I laughed out loud the entire time I was reading this. I love the way you tell a story. Love!

I can so relate to all of this. Ahhh, memories...