The Appalachian Mountains have set up permanent residence on my face. You are welcome for that imagery.
It all started a few months ago when our normally enviable winter weather turned into the less enviable "Buffalo in Springtime" weather of the never-ending cold and rain and my normally average combination skin turned into freakazoid teenage hormones from hell skin.
So, I thought, since I am almost an age that rhymes with purdy, I should probably step up my skincare routine anyway. It would sure be great if I could get rid of my little forehead problem along the way.
My old routine included washing with Dove in the morning and remembering sunscreen and moisturizer almost never. I blame my previously trouble-free skin and resulting shocking lack of skincare knowledge on the hormone therapy I was on for seven thousand years called "pregnancy and breastfeeding."
For my new routine I started diligently washing my face with Cetaphil morning and night and following with the base Olay moisturizer. DID NOT WORK. NOT AT ALL.
Someone suggested using "Purpose" cleanser, so I shelled out another nine dollars and gave it a shot. And it WORKED. Dove in the morning followed by moisturizer, Purpose at night followed by moisturizer. Happy pores! Happy little pores! My skin looked better than it has in a while!
Then I let a dermatologist shame me into adding sunscreen to my regimen and switched from the pink Olay to the yellow Olay Complete.
Do you know how sunscreen works? It makes you break out so bad you swear you'll never leaving the house again. Try getting a sunburn inside your house with all the shades drawn! No sunburn, eh? Sunscreen is working!
Only, I have places to go and many normal-looking adults to see.
So tonight I decided to throw a little money at the problem again and see what I came up with.
Sarah has been researching the chemicals in beauty products and switching her whole family over to the less chemical-laden options. Although I admire that goal, I want you to know that I am willing to make a paste made of gasoline and high fructose corn syrup and smear it all over my body if it will make me look normal again.
Tonight I went to the skincare aisle at the grocery store, threw four or five products designed for this very problem into my basket, grabbed some tortilla chips and cookies, handed over my credit card, and left.
At home I ran up the stairs, my grocery bag bulging with the best mid-priced skincare products chemistry has to offer. Ryan called out "Maybe you should only change one thing at a time... well, nevermind."
Then I blasted the hell out of those suckers. I am promised they will be gone in the morning and will not return. I'll let you know how it goes.