OMG why didn't I pee before I left the house?" I thought as I danced around in the driver's seat.
I have to pee and I can't find the faculty parking lot and I'm going to have a potty accident right here in my car. I totally feel bad for scolding Charlie for wetting his pants today. Maybe he just had too much coffee this morning too!
I pulled back onto the main road.
Of course, he's the reason I didn't go before I left the house. He was procrastinating picking up his Legos so he told me he had to poop and then sat there on the potty for fifteen minutes singing and yelling, anything but pooping.
FACULTY PARKING! THERE IT IS!
Turn car into driveway, see an open parallel spot. Attempt to maneuver car into the spot quickly.
Crap. Have driven right over the curb.
Back up. BANG!
Still wiggling to avoid wetting my pants grab my laptop bag, purse, and textbook, squint into the distance to see the science building, decide to leave purse in car. Swear. Retrieve keys, office keys, phone, and a five-dollar bill (for more coffee if necessary) and cram them into a pocket of my work bag, open the trunk, bury purse in some Goodwill clothes, slam doors, lock with remote, awkwardly run to the nearest non-dorm (I hope) building to find a ladies room. Am inadvertently rude to a backpack-wearing student when I do not hold the door. I make it. Thank goodness.
Nonchalantly exit ladies room, exit music building, calmly cross beautiful campus to the science building. Reflect on beautiful trees, beautiful buildings, pinch self.
Get proficiency exams from department chair, unlock office with key, sit down at lab table cum desk facing the window. Admire trees some more. Attempt to connect to the wifi so I can go to Facebook. Am interrupted by student.
"Are you the professor?"
Look behind self.
"Uh, yes, I am."
"Does the class start at 2:00 or 2:30?"
Look at watchless wrist, as if expecting to find the answer.
"2:30?" I say uncertainly.
"My name is Jane."
Shake hands. My name is "Becca--uh--Dr. Academomia."
Smile. Blink. Blink.
"Nice to meet you. I'm a premed major."
"Awesome! Great to meet you too."
OMG professors DO NOT SAY AWESOME! What is this, a Grateful Dead concert?
Jane takes a seat at the front of the lab.
I sit back down at lab table/desk and drum my fingers on the table for a few minutes. Stand up. Shuffle papers. Sit down. Drum fingers. Stand up. Fiddle with a stack of posters on a shelf. Sit down. Stand up. Check time. 2:15. Repeat stand-up-sit-down routine as if performing Episcopal liturgy.
Pretend to be confident as I approach the podium. Pretend to be busy with my binder for another minute or so. Count students. Sixteen out of twenty.
"OK, let's get started!" I say. My voice echoes all over the room. They snap to attention. Cool.
Take roll. Introduce self. Forget about a million important things as I run down the syllabus. Am grateful that I don't have to write on the board this time since I still have to practice doing it without my butt wiggling.
I am glad I've been working out. Twenty kids are going to be spending a lot of time looking at my butt.
Distribute exam. Sit awkwardly in a chair and wait for them to finish. Realize I forgot to ask them to write the honor pledge on the front page. Only one student remembers. They bring me the exams, one by one. I mentally grade the first few. Make a mental note to look up some of the answers that I don't know. Think about the boys approximately eighty-seven thousand times. Wonder if they are torturing my dad. Make mental shopping list. Bananas, milk, coffee, deli turkey. The last student returns his exam. I exhale.
It has been a LONG time since I have had to be responsible like this. I haven't even TAKEN a class since 2005! This is absurd. What the heck am I DOING?
Mark down "complete" for exams in grade spreadsheet. Return exams to department chair. Wander aimlessly around the science building for a few minutes to learn my way around. Return to office. Look out the window for a few minutes. Decide to go to store then home to relieve my dad.
Leave science building. Call A. Freak out on phone a little to her. Walk to horribly parked car past an incredibly inviting-looking fountain. Wonder if the students ever get in the fountain.
Do private school kids do things like that? Probably not the faculty, for sure.
Resist urge to take off shoes.
Drive to grocery store. Almost get run over because I am checking everyone's car for a faculty parking sticker. Buy groceries.
Arrive home to happy kids, warm house. Take a walk with my dad, kids, dog. Make dinner. Mediate an hour and fifteen minutes worth of brother fights, whining, and Lego throwing. Wish I had taken the third lab. Panic a little thinking about doing it all again on Friday. Then get excited.
Go out for dinner with Labmama. Almost close down fancy no-kid restaraunt.
Come home, check sleeping beauties. Pinch self.