Wednesday, June 10, 2009


I just called to follow up on a job I applied for last month and they have already offered it to someone. Yesterday.

It was perfect. A postdoc teaching general science courses at a small Catholic college in South. I worked hard on the application. I sent them sample course outlines. I went down there in my suit and walked around looking for the professor in charge of the search committee until my feet started bleeding from my ugly professional shoes. I called three times and left messages to follow-up.

It wasn't %#@$ing good enough.

I really really don't enjoy staying home full time. I suck at it. And after every fight I had with Charlie about potty training (or really, recently, everything. EVERYTHING requires negotiation and cajoling) or Wesley about taking a nap, during every soul-crushing minute spent counting to ten after stepping on a Lego or Cheerio or puddle of spitup I was thinking "maybe this job will work out. Maybe we can go back to the way things were when I was working and EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY."

Not just me. Everyone was happier when I was working. Like I said: I SUCK at this. I thought that if I stayed home with them that all the time we spent together would be just as happy as the two weekdays plus afternoons that we spent together when I was working. Who wouldn't want to do that? But I was WRONG.

But I better get used to it because now I have no other choice.

Better go start the freaking laundry because it's my job.


LL said...

I'm sorry. I know you're doing a much better job than you think you are, and though I know it doesn't sound like much right now, I do think it's so good to know what works for you and your family. When (not if, WHEN) you do find the right job for you remembering this post might help you on some of those more difficult moments in the balancing act.

Anonymous said...

It's really tough to be looking for a job right now. I am a recent law grad with really good credentials and am having no luck. Two weeks ago, I went on an interview and was told that 12 people were being interviewed for one position. I was very qualified but just got the rejection letter yesterday. It's the second time I get a recjection letter with a handwritten note at the bottom telling me how impressive a candidate I really am. Oh well.

AJU5's Mom said...

Ugh - sorry you didn't get the job. After being in academia for a while, I know they "value" teaching experience, which you may be lacking. The length of teaching is more important than the number of courses teaching actually (I know, it is sad). So, you might want to look at a part-time gig so you can get the 2 years experience that many of them want (and part-time isn't bad - I think it is the best of both worlds!).

Alyssa said...

Ugh - I'm sorry things aren't going well in the job-search department. Is there something you can do part-time in the meantime so you can at least get out of the house/away from the mommy duties for a while?

Anonymous said...

Ok, first of all, I was just there and you DO NOT suck at being a mom. Your kids have fun outings. They take swim lessons. They are learning new things. And laundry is not your job. Your job is to love your little kiddos and you're doing a wonderful job! --a

Sarah said...

That sucks, man.

I have typed and deleted like 9 different platitudes.

You sound like a freaking fantastic mom , but I hear ya about not quite fitting the SAH gig.

(I agree that the laundry is not your job, by the way-- it's just some volunteer work you do in your spare time)

Bonnie Y said...

I've been where you are, and I agree, it sucks. Some people adore being 100% Mommies, some can't stand the thought of it (even though, of course, you love your kids like crazy, and are doing all the right things.) I finally found a job a long was away.... so I won't be recommending that!
May I suggest volunteering in your local high school, or getting a substitute teaching permit? And I know that's not what you've spend all your time getting a PhD for. I considered HS teaching an enormous letdown - but it was a job at least. I got to talk with adults, and some semi-adults.
And now, at the end of my career, I'm actually fascinated at the idea of going back to school to become an official math teacher.
I think it's best for your kids that YOU are happy with something. They can probably feel it when you're just not into Mommying right now!
Good luck!

Staci said...

It's gonna be ok. You DO NOT SUCK at being a mommy! Your frustrations are frustrating for you, but to C & W, it's just life. They are awesome and will not be scarred for life. In fact, I think they will grow up to be broad minded thinkers with fabulous memories of all the cool stuff they did with you when you were at home. Well, Wesley might not remember this particular year, but there's a chance that Charlie might. At any rate, hang in there. That position probably would have sucked! There's something better out there for you.

Kyla said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you find something soon.

sarah said...


Courtney said...

#1: You are an awesome mom. Period.
#2: They so suck for not hiring you.
#3: I feel ya on not being a SAHM.

The right job is out there somewhere & until then, just breathe & take some much needed Mommy breaks. Call if you need to vent, ever....I've probably had the same feelings at some point