Thursday, August 7, 2008

In which I earn the title "World's Biggest Idiot" at Charlie's pediatrician's office

"Hello, my son developed what seems to be an allergic reaction to something he ate for lunch."

"OK, can you describe the reaction?"

"Well, after lunch I noticed five or six hives on his chin and around his mouth. They are red welts about a centimeter in diameter."

(nice use of the metric system, dumbass)

"Are the welts still there?"

"No, they faded within an hour."

"What is he doing now?"

"He's taking a nap."

"Is this a normal naptime?"


"And he was acting normally before the nap?"

(Would you please define normal for a teething toddler who refused to sleep last night?)

"Yes, he was himself."

"Any drooling?"


"No more than normal."

"And what did he eat for lunch?"

(grit teeth, smile, deep breath)

"A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, baby carrots, and strawberries."

(nervous giggle from me)

(nervous giggle from nurse who had probably covered the receiver with her hand and was making "just shoot me" motions to the other nurses in the room)

"Has he had those foods before?"

"Yes, many times."

"When was the last time?"

"Strawberries last week, peanut butter earlier this week."

(Now sounding a little alarmed) "'s going to be hard to figure that one out... hmmmm... gosh... ummmm... let me ask the doctor what he'd like you to do. Things to look for include hoarse voice, hoarse cough, difficulty breathing, and more hives. If any of those things happen, take him to the emergency room."

(Make mental note to Google "Horse Cough", imagining some kind of whinney, then realize that I have the intelligence of a very small child)

"Yeah I've been checking his breathing every fifteen minutes."

(Brightly) "Well, that's a good start!"

(A better start would be not giving him two high-allergy potential foods IN A SINGLE MEAL)

"We'll give you a call back after I talk to the doctor."

"Super, thank you very much."

Pride: discarded along with the placenta.


SSU said...

I can't stop laughing...
I am assuming it was the jelly or strawberries that left marks?

Andrea said...

Actually you might be the second biggest idiot behind me, because I read your whole post and couldn't figure out why the nurse is motioning to shoot herself and your pride is gone. Were the spots just stains from the jelly? I don't get it. I'm going to make an awful parent :(

Kyla said...

Is he okay today?

Sarah said...

LOL-- horse cough!!!

Becca said...


He is fine today and was fine all yesterday afternoon. Although I did panic when I picked him up at daycare and they had used red face paint to paint a smiley face on his cheek! Scary!