I had to skip breakfast this morning because I had my 3-hour repeat glucose screening test at 8:00. My body, which was expecting a nice big bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats, was not pleased. Charlie's daycare was offering mini-muffins at the front desk and I nearly stuffed two in my mouth as I passed by before remembering that I was supposed to be fasting. When I arrived at the doctor's office I was rewarded with a blood draw and a bottle of syrupy sweet orange soda-like glucose tolerance beverage, which I was instructed to drink in its entirety in the next five minutes.
I'd like to point out that I only like to choke down carbonated beverages when there is some chance I will get a buzz out of the deal. And I guess I did, if you could call the sleepy, detached feeling the glucose beverage gave me a "buzz". But not the kind of buzz that compelled me to take off my shirt and dance on the examining table.
I was instructed to come back an hour later, after my OB appointment, for the second of four blood draws (the first was a baseline and the subsequent three--at one-hour intervals--were to test how my body was responding to all that sugar they loaded me up with...like a champ, I would imagine, considering how much practice I give it every day). The lab tech came out to get me and took pity on me perched woozily on the edge of my plastic chair trying to make sense out of the book I'd brought to pass the time (hint: next time bring something light--not "Affluenza" and the biography of Nancy Pelosi). After the blood draw she led me to a room with leather recliner chairs and blankets. I sank into one of the chairs and braced my head to keep it from spinning then called a friend to see if she'd had any luck with her newborn's sleep issues. I think she was making more sense than me.
When I was finally allowed to leave I figured I'd go home and eat some leftovers I'd been saving for lunch. Part of me wanted to treat myself to a special lunch but since I'd just read about the Voluntary Simplicity Movement in Affluenza I felt guilty about spending extra money on food and the waste of the fast-food and meat industries and how the plate I got my food on was created from petroleum products and would only be used once and then thrown away and then somehow the Exxon Valdez, deforestation in the Pacific Northwest, and our nation's dependence on foreign oil all got wrapped up in my decision about whether to go out for lunch or not.
That line of thinking alone should have been the first sign that my blood sugar was about to crash HARD.
I was driving home, looking forward to the two pieces of organic cheese pizza that I had saved (that came from a box that I recycled) the other day when I noticed how irrationally furious I was getting at the traffic lights for being red, the other drivers for being slow, the radio for being annoying. I thought it would be in everyone's best interest if I got off the road and had something to eat. Immediately.
I pulled into Pei Wei, ordered my Orange Peel Chicken and sat down with a fortune cookie and a big glass of water. Still feeling alright, I returned a call that I had missed and nibbled on my fortune cookie. My food arrived while I was still on the phone. I dutifully scooped half of the large portion into a to-go box so I wouldn't unwittingly eat too much and then started in on the rest with my chopsticks.
And then I CRASHED. HARD. My hands were shaking and my whole body started sweating. My brain wouldn't let me concentrate on anything besides EATING EATING EATING FASTER FASTER FASTER MORE MORE MORE! Like there was an alarm going off in my head. Rice was flying off my plate into my lap as I frantically grabbed bites of chicken, snowpeas, and carrots with my chopsticks. When all of the food on my plate was gone I opened the to-go box and dumped it all back out onto my plate (hungry hungry hungry nom nom nom nom). When all of the easily chopstick-ed food was gone I used the serving spoon to scoop mouthfuls of rice into my mouth. Between bites I sucked down my water in huge, desperate gulps.
It wasn't pretty. But I'm sure it's not that unusual to see a pregant woman totally lose it at a Chinese food restaraunt (although the profuse sweating and Muppet-like way I attacked my meal might have attracted some attention).
I bought a cookie on the way out and sat in the car for a few minutes until the shaking and sweating subsided. And then I stopped at Sonic to buy a large iced tea. And then I ate some more food when I got home. Finally, aside from some slight tingling in my hands, I feel like myself again.
If I do have gestational diabetes Bravo probably gained like two pounds from my lunch alone. And I guess I shouldn't be too smug about the pound I lost since my last visit since eating enough Chinese food to feed an entire family isn't listed in any of the pregnancy books as a path to healthy weight gain.