Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I don't live in the suburbs, I live in the freaking Outback

A day or two after we moved in, Ryan led me onto the back patio and asked gently "Do you think that is a toy?" as he pointed at a huge red and yellow bug lying dead on the concrete. We decided that it was a toy left by one of the three boys who used to live in our house. I was content with this conclusion because, as you know, I don't DO bugs.

A week later, I was in the back yard with Charlie and my brother-in-law and two nephews. I pointed out the huge bug to my BIL and told him it was just a toy but wouldn't it be scary if it was real? I walked over and PICKED IT UP to show him (can you tell where this is going?) and found that it was not plastic, as I had expected, but distinctly organic-feeling.

Oh my gosh. If I knew how to harness the self control I displayed that day by not screaming expletives in front of my nephews and son then I could probably have finished two dissertations by now (although they did get to witness my famous stomping and hand-flapping 'I touched a big, huge, scary, dead bug' dance). I threw it back onto the patio, where it remains to this day (and where it will stay until one of us *cough* Ryan gets up the courage to go out there and fling it over the fence with a shovel).

Nothing has really changed. It's still there. It's still dead. Only now when Charlie approaches it I shriek "DON'T TOUCH THAT!" so sharply that he almost cries and I have to feed him Nilla Wafers to assuage my guilt.

Now, for those of you are tempted to tell me that I'm overreacting, that I live in the suburb of a major city for heaven's sake how scary of a bug could possibly live there? Let me tell you. This is no ant with wings. This is no huge cockroach that clicks when it walks (something that I saw IN MY DORM, an incident that very possibly is at the root of the PTSD-like symptoms I experience when I find large bugs inside, all I can say is THANK GOODNESS it was a coed dorm or I would probably still be trapped in that bathroom with only four giant roaches between me and the door to freedom [shivers uncontrollably]).

I found the bug online. Click if you dare (btw I don't live in Arkansas). Tell me you didn't pee a little when you read the words "...fast moving and aggressive titans..."

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just said like 15 bad words in a row that I won't repeat here....WTH is that thing? It looks like something you would find in the Amazon :( --abby

kirsten said...

I had something in mind...maybe red with yellow polka dots...you know, like what you'd see on A Bug's Life or something. Then I saw the picture... AGGGHHHHHH! Gave me the creeps just looking at it. I hope I don't have nightmares tonight.

Liz said...

Well, peeing isn't what I just did in my pants.

Shannon said...

Wow Becca, that's pretty intense. If I recall correctly, Ryan is pretty good at flinging things over the fence with a shovel. I seem to remember an incident in the backyard of the Alamo involving Rossby and something that belonged to Patty.

Pete the Brit said...

ewww! Why why why did I look at that picture???!!!!

My Buddy Mimi said...

That would definitely make me scream too, and I am not generally squeamish around bugs.

As a total aside... we had to do a bug collection over the summer when I was in middle school. We all had pretty much the same stuff except the one girl who had spent the summer in Japan. Those were some of the biggest and scariest bugs I have ever seen. And perhaps the reason I have never visited that particular country.

Someone Being Me said...

FU-REAKY!!!!! OMG. I would have died. I freaked out over the 2 spiders I killed in my bathroom while my husband has been out of town. BTW, I am calling the Pest Control company to come out to do our quarterly pest control NOW because I don't do spiders no matter how small they are.

Sarah said...

DUDE! We had one of those on our LIVING ROOM WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We both just stared at it for what felt like hours, then we tried to smash it with our Swiffer, but it jogged away into our bathroom, and we have not used that bathroom in months.

Kidding, but we are still seriously skeeved out.

Alison Cherry said...

OMG!! That description is terrifying. I don't do bugs either but I think anyone would be afraid of that. Do you have an exterminator on speed dial now?

Kyla said...

Well, your quote didn't freak me out as much as this one, "Scolopendra heros is purported to make tiny incisions with its legs while walking across human skin. When the animal is irritated, a poison is supposedly produced near the base of each leg and dropped into the wounds causing inflammation and irritation."

SCARY!

Rima said...

Oh.Mah.Gah. What if you had picked it up and it was still ALIVE??????? It's stories like this that make me feel *somewhat* better about living in the frozen north. But still.

Homestead Mom said...

I'm more freaked out by the words 'predator...poison claws'. Ye gods, I did think you must be a bit of a sissy until I followed the link. I wonder if there are more out there?

Sorry...

Steph said...

It's like I say, "The only things bigger in Texas are the egos, the hail and THE BUGS."

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. I have to go shower now. I could only look for a second as my feet reflexively left the ground for the rung of the chair. I want to go back but I'm scared. Maybe Larry will hold my hand. -AJ

LL said...

holy shit. I'm really pretty good with bugs, but I would have FREAKED OUT had I picked that up and realized it was real. I get shivers just thinking about it.

dammit, I'm totally unsettled and I have to go to bed... I bet I'm going to have nightmares now.