Friday, November 30, 2007

only a memory

It's funny how quickly you can grow to love something the size of a poppy seed.

I got the first positive test Sunday morning after discovering on Saturday that I was five days late. I guess I just got busy and forgot to count because I had to use this blog to figure it all out. Sunday morning I took the test and it was positive. Two pink lines. We were so excited. I worked hard all Sunday afternoon and all day Monday believing that I only had until May to finish my dissertation before I would be too uncomfortable to work. I looked at Charlie with new eyes. He seemed so grown up compared to a newborn. I saw him as a big brother.

By Tuesday afternoon I knew something was wrong. I told myself that it was just a little spotting and that it happens in 30% of pregnancies according to what I've read. I took another test, still positive, though now I realize that the slightly fainter second line was an ominous sign. Wednesday morning I took a third test and went to the doctor to get labwork done.

Thursday I saw a physician's assistant who told me my HCG level was only fifteen. She was very insenstive and gave me a canned schpiel about how I didn't cause this and most of the time it's just bad luck. She didn't give me any opportunity to ask questions and after a quick physical exam she handed me a kleenex and brochure and left. I will not be going back to that practice.

My HCG level today is only two.

When we had our first ultrasound for Charlie they saw a something that they thought might be a second baby. It was smaller than Charlie and didn't have a detectable heartbeat. Ryan and I joked that we were having a baby and a puppy. It was gone a week later when they did a repeat ultrasound. It was most likely a shadow, but I can't help but look at Charlie sometimes and think about what it might have been.

Charlie's twin and this baby are together now. It makes me happy to think about them playing together.

I'm starting to feel better now.


Anonymous said...

I'm sending you another hug and cookie vibes over the internet --abby

Homestead Mom said...

We have a few (not)spawn playing together somewhere. I am so sorry. Charlie is so very dear that it is no surprise that you consider another. You are correct to select a practice that fits the appropriate emotional template - it is the least that they can do.

Best wishes/ best of luck to you. I'd raise a cup of java or a glass of tequila with you, your choice, were we closer.

Marianne said...

I'm sorry, Becca. *hugs from afar*

Kyla said...

I am so sorry, Becca. I've read many people's experiences with this lately and what strikes me the most is how callously all of the women have been treated. It is just awful to be treated as such, especially when grieving a very real loss. I am so so sorry.

Art Nerd said...

Oh, I was really rooting for you. I'm so sorry. Adding to the pile of hugs.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry to hear this. Our thoughts are with you!

Liz said...

Oh, Becca. I'm so sorry.

There simply are no words.

Anonymous said...

When I started reading your latest post, I was so excited for you. But as I read on my heart sank. I can't imagine what you're going through...and I'm so very sorry. Sure wish I could give you a hug right now and I'd love to smack that nurse who was so rude.

Take care, hon.