Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Academomia explained

You know what Academomia means? It means that tonight at the library instead of pulling a pad of paper and a pencil from my backpack to write down the call numbers I needed to find, I searched in my purse through pacifiers, straw wrappers from Starbucks, Target giftcards, plastic chain links (used for hanging toys from the car seat handle), and my camera in search of a pen and ultimately had to crawl under a nearby desk to retrieve one someone else had lost and write the necessary information on the back of a receipt from the grocery store (for 2 green bell peppers, some ground turkey, and a family sized tube of cookie dough because hey, I HAVE a family!).

Yesterday (as you might have guessed) I had some trouble with one of the items I have to figure out before I can continue work on my dissertation. I thought the most mature thing to do would be to FUH-REAK out like a two year old, scream obsenities at my computer, and send hastily written and frightening instant messages to my advisor (I am never going to figure this out. I don't know what to do. I am so so sorry. Thanks for all your help, but I really can't do this). Then I tried to pump breastmilk while crying hysterically (doesn't work. doesn't work at all). Every time I saw a picture of Charlie I got more upset because everyone keeps telling me to finish so I can be a good example for him and so I can have a flexible schedule for him and on and on and on and I couldn't stop thinking how good of an example could I possibly be? I have no focus, no ambition, no drive. The one week I had him home all day with me I couldn't get him to take a nap or stay on a schedule. I felt like I was failing in both worlds despite the idea situation I am in with part time childcare and a wonderful husband.

I haven't come to some big realization that made everything better. I did get some rest though. And tomorrow I'm getting some more help with the school thing. Once this one thing is fixed I will be able to (start and) finish two of the three sections of the project and that will be so so so much better.

I meant for this post to be funny, so here's a really sweet picture of Charlie sleeping in the front yard in nothing but a diaper. You may have to look away if the cuteness starts to overwhelm you. It's a really sweet picture but isn't sleeping outside in your underwear more of a backyard activity?

Resting in the Garden


Kyla said...

Hang in there, Becca! Who shall engineer the wind for us, if not you? *lol* You're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Look at that cute Charlie, he looks perfectly content with life. He's thinking "My momma's the BEST." And he didn't nap last week, because "SPRING BREAK! PAR-TAY!!" he didn't want to miss a moment of mommy-time.

Leah said...

FYI, those of us who stay at home full time with no dissertation to write often also say "fuck it" to the naptime routine.

Steph said...

You're doing GREAT!

No need to rush on the finishing of the dissertation because who will I have lunch with once you're gone?

Anonymous said...

Motherhood is the reason why I began carrying a backpack instead of a purse. Even though they're teenagers, I still find it useful. I remember balancing babies and deadlines and trying to work from home with two brain cell's worth of sleep. I salute you and hope tomorrow makes you feel more productive and better about the situation.