You know what Academomia means? It means that tonight at the library instead of pulling a pad of paper and a pencil from my backpack to write down the call numbers I needed to find, I searched in my purse through pacifiers, straw wrappers from Starbucks, Target giftcards, plastic chain links (used for hanging toys from the car seat handle), and my camera in search of a pen and ultimately had to crawl under a nearby desk to retrieve one someone else had lost and write the necessary information on the back of a receipt from the grocery store (for 2 green bell peppers, some ground turkey, and a family sized tube of cookie dough because hey, I HAVE a family!).
Yesterday (as you might have guessed) I had some trouble with one of the items I have to figure out before I can continue work on my dissertation. I thought the most mature thing to do would be to FUH-REAK out like a two year old, scream obsenities at my computer, and send hastily written and frightening instant messages to my advisor (I am never going to figure this out. I don't know what to do. I am so so sorry. Thanks for all your help, but I really can't do this). Then I tried to pump breastmilk while crying hysterically (doesn't work. doesn't work at all). Every time I saw a picture of Charlie I got more upset because everyone keeps telling me to finish so I can be a good example for him and so I can have a flexible schedule for him and on and on and on and I couldn't stop thinking how good of an example could I possibly be? I have no focus, no ambition, no drive. The one week I had him home all day with me I couldn't get him to take a nap or stay on a schedule. I felt like I was failing in both worlds despite the idea situation I am in with part time childcare and a wonderful husband.
I haven't come to some big realization that made everything better. I did get some rest though. And tomorrow I'm getting some more help with the school thing. Once this one thing is fixed I will be able to (start and) finish two of the three sections of the project and that will be so so so much better.
I meant for this post to be funny, so here's a really sweet picture of Charlie sleeping in the front yard in nothing but a diaper. You may have to look away if the cuteness starts to overwhelm you. It's a really sweet picture but isn't sleeping outside in your underwear more of a backyard activity?