Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Thank you sir may I have another?

Well it WAS as bad as I thought it would be. Many of my answers were along the lines of "Yes, I AM a total shit-for-brains, thank you for pointing that out. What else can I do for you?" But it's O-V-E-R and that's what matters. And I PASSED and that's what matters even more.Here's how it all went down (I may have exaggerated a teense for literary reasons).

ACT II gave my talk and then the committee members were invited to ask questions.

Question #1: "It seems to me that you're practically retarded, how exactly did you graduate high school?"

Me: "Thank you sir may I have another?"

Question #2: "I don't understand your second hypothesis"

Me: "What specifically would you like me to explain in more detail?"

Committee Member: "Just start at the beginning."

Me: [explitive deleted]

Next Committee Member: "I am truly amazed by your below average intelligence"

Me: "That's an interesting perspective, I'll consider adding that to my dissertation"

Same Committee Member: "I mean really, you are really really dumb. It's shocking"

Me: "Thank you for your thoughts. Who else has a question?"

Next Committee Member: "Could you derive all of Newton's Laws in vector form on the board for me, right now, without any references?"

Me: [explitive deleted]

Advisor: "Let's take a 10 minute break before we get into the exam questions."

Me: Try to kiss advisor for suggesting break then retreat to ladies' room to wipe the sweat off my face and palms of my hands


Advisor: "Who would like to start?"

Committee Member: "I was really disappointed by your answers to my questions."

Me: "I'm sorry, is there anything I can try to explain better?"

Committee Member: "Have you always been so dumb?"

Advisor: "I'm very dissapointed you didn't go into more detail in your answers. I'd like a new answer for #1 please. Right now. And no, you can't look at the question"

Me: [explitive deleted]

Next Committee Member: "Your answers were well thought out and correct."

Me: "Thank you"

Same Committee Member: "Why was your answer to #2 such complete shit?"

Me: "Because I am clearly of below average intelligence, sir."

Advisor: "Well that's enough, please go down the hall, Becca, while we talk about this"

ACT III (10-minutes later)

Advisor: "Congratulations, you pass, great job on your presentation by the way!" [hearty handshake and warm smile]

Me: "Wha?"

Advisor: "You're done, go home and relax."

Me: "Wha?"

Advisor: "OK, let me know when you're ready to have our next meeting! Have a good week!"

Me: "Wha?"

I mean seriously, how is this any different than making me get drunk and leaving me in the middle of town blindfolded and wearing only my underwear? Shouldn't the department be put on probation for hazing? How could it have seemed to go so terribly and then I STILL PASS? It's like they had their minds made up before I even got there. I don't care. It's over and I never have to do it again. Ugh I need a nap.Thank you S and C for bringing me an Apple Slush from Sonic. It really hit the spot and was SO thoughtful!!


Brooke said...

I am not sure how I ended up linked to your blog entry, but I think it was meant to be. I am a grad student trying to finish my dissertation this semester and I am TERRIFIED of the defense. This made me laugh out loud at the same time my stomach was churning because I know it really was that bad. And you survived! Anyway, thank you for that.

Sonja said...

Found via your sidebar...

I'm not a grad student myself, but my husband is working on his PhD in electrical engineering and this sounds so much like everything I've been hearing about for the past several months... I laughed, I cried, I might just hurl.

Worst: he has to re-take them. I was sincerely afraid upon hearing that that the next morning there would be head-less professors in the news, but he's bearing up quite well.

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