Saturday, September 9, 2006

My wonderful support system.

Ryan and I are at the coffee shop this afternoon. I'm rereading all the technical papers I can find, looking for things I've missed (on the first four passes). I'm listening to a mix of James Taylor, Simon and Garfunkel, and Bruce Springsteen (and ocasionally some Oasis and Flogging Molly) and the baby is having his usual early-evening yoga practice. As far as I can tell he's working on his Standing Sun-Salutes. Ryan is making great progress on his dissertation proposal; he started this morning and is on page 8 now. I don't have anything snarky to say today like i normally do because it's been a pretty good day and I've gotten a good amount of studying done. Thank you for all your kind comments on my last post. The encouragement really means a lot to me. I'm not sure why I feel so sure that this exam is going to go poorly, but all of you and my committee have me thinking that maybe it will be ok. My advisor Dr. J and committee member Dr. D both remind me regularly that the committee is there to help me, not to push me out of the program. They both say nice things about me and my abilities that I do not agree with, but it's pretty reassuring to hear. Dr. D said that self doubt is normal at every level and it never goes away (well SUPER!). He asked me repeatedly during our meeting if everything was alright because I looked really terrified when he talked about the test. I am terrified, but I'm not sure why now. I think it might be because I don't trust my body or brain to respond like I want it to anymore and that being the case for such a huge exam is really scary. I forget dumb things all the time during the day because I am so tired and distracted. Most afternoons I feel like someone has turned the air into water and covered my glasses with jelly. Plus the new perspective I've gained about what is important in life since getting married and now expecting the baby has made it really hard to study nonstop at the cost of everything else like I used to be able to do (for short bursts at least). It will be partway over on Thursday evening and I have wonderful friends who are making me cookies (because I can't have the traditional celebratory beer) afterwards. Thank you, everyone who is a part of my wonderful support system!!

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