Wednesday, December 5, 2018

It was a DAY

I've heard more people use this expression lately and I noted to myself that I kind of liked it and then, well, yesterday, it was a DAY.

It was a DAY that started at 3:00 AM with a kid SCREAMING on the toilet because it hurt to pee. What I thought was run of the mill skin irritation did not improve with my halfhearted, middle of the night Aquaphor application, and we were awakened by this hysterical screaming approximately every forty five minutes for the rest of the night. Finally we put this child in bed with us, both because of proximity to the bathroom and because of a door that closed so that the kid didn't continue to wake up all the other kids. OMG. It was a long night.

In the morning it was clear that this child could not possibly go to school in this state, so we kept them home, which meant that Ryan and I had to blearily get everyone else ready. I dropped them off at school and went to teach a statics class on finding moments of inertia by integration, which went surprisingly well given the circumstances.

I then picked up another kid at school for a med check and drove to the doctor's office where Ryan was going to meet me with the sick kid (who by this point had been diagnosed by the on call pediatrician with a UTI). Ryan texted to say that there was no way this kid could sit through a med check what with the extremely urgent peeing every thirty minutes. So we did the appointment and then met him and the UTI kid at home.

Ryan took the med check kid back to school while I sat on the couch with the UTI kid and alternately worked, ran the kid to the bathroom (the screaming!!), arranged towels on the couch, and washed a load of undies.

Sometime that afternoon we drove to the pool to hand off Charley's swim equipment to the sitter, who had picked everyone up at school (And thank goodness, because there was no way the UTI kid could have made it through the carline).

And then we all drove home where I attempted to work on a paper holed up in my bedroom and sometimes had to run downstairs to talk someone through a screamy bathroom session.

Sometime around 5:30 I emerged from the haze to realize that we did not have any food for dinner. This was problematic.

I begged the sitter for an extra thirty minutes than usual, ordered a pizza, drove to CVS to buy PullUps (because DAMN), picked up the pizza, and went home. Ryan got Charley at swimming and met us at home, then left for his guys' night at the bowling alley. After pizza I forced everyone to take a shower. This sounds normal, except one other kid, who refuses to wear socks, gets these gross blisters on his feet. The shower was not negotiable at this point for a lot of reasons, but he was freaked out about the water hurting his blisters and LOST HIS DAMN MIND when it was time to get in.

So this is how I found myself standing in my master bathroom holding a child under the shower and washing his hair as he screamed at the top of his lungs "YOU ARE KILLING ME! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M DYING! YOU'RE KILLING ME! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" with plenty of extraneous blood curdling screams thrown in for good measure while a second child sat on the potty ALSO SCREAMING because it hurt to pee.

I was JUST WAITING for the SWAT team to show up.

Finally, the shower kid was satisfactorily clean (this took a grueling eight minutes) and I wrapped him in a towel, carried him to his room, dressed him in pajamas, and tucked him into bed. I instructed him to use some of his CBT calming techniques and take some deep breaths while I returned to the bathroom to make sure the other kid took a shower.

And THEN it was time for homework, where another kid who shall remain nameless but whom is having a bit of a TIME learning the ropes of time management required in middle school, announced casually that this large project was due on Thursday and that he hadn't exactly started working on it yet, AND that he chose not to work in a group so he was going to have to do the work of four students in the next two days.

And let's just say that this kids' research skills are in the developmental stage. I sketched out the headings he needed to research on eight pages of paper, handed him the Chromebook and told him to GET STEPPING. After much sighing and moaning and flouncing around and threatening and cajoling, I finally started having him read things out loud, summarizing them verbally, and then writing down the notes MY DAMN SELF just so we could build some forward momentum.

I was also supervising another kid's reading and handwriting specialist homework at the same time and submitting to an interview from a third kid about "my favorite idioms" so he could draw cartoons about them in his homework journal.

Also the UTI kid was there wearing a PullUp, which made my life about six million times easier.

I put the younger kids to bed as they got sleepy and at nine thirty I finally had to cut Mr. I Have To Understand The Entire History of Greece in Two Days off so he could get some sleep.

And then it was time to start making pierogies.

When Ryan got home at nine-forty-five and asked how many I had made, I calmly responded "One."

He opened a beer and rolled up his sleeves and by midnight we had banged out a hundred and five pierogies that are now carefully nestled in parchment paper in three of my baking pans in the fridge.

I went to bed at one AM still kind of wired. Only the knowledge that my choir concert was today kept me from taking a crack at our Christmas cards too.

Coffee time.

2018-12-05_09-21-38

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Right on schedule!

I was worried when James bounced out of the car after our hiking trip on Wednesday afternoon that he was actually not hurt when he botched the landing on an attempt to jump from one boulder to another, badly twisting his ankle as he landed, and we might not make our goal of a major orthopedic injury every six months. Between Charley's broken thumb (Advent 2016, Unto us a Son is Given!), Charley's broken ankle (Easter, 2017, Christ the Lord is Risen Today!), and big daddy of them all, Wes's wedding anniversary arm snappage of 2018 (not a liturgical holiday, but a special day nonetheless), we have been on track for two major injuries a year for quite some time.

He was pronounced fine by my podiatrist friend over a taco lunch trailside the Friday after Thanksgiving and proceeded to spend the afternoon acting extremely fine. he scrambled over rocks and hills on our post-Thanksgiving hike Friday, jumping in the water and swimming across to the other side, running around apartment blocks, all the while only complaining a little when his foot would randomly twist as he walked across an uneven surface or if he was required to put his heel down.

I had started to forget all about it when he told me in passing on Tuesday that he has been sitting out at recess because it hurts to run, and that he wants to get out of PE too but he's terrified of Coach V, so he just deals with it.

After a second day of sitting out at recess and complaining because his friend William runs so fast and he wishes he could keep up I called and scheduled an appointment with a podiatrist. This was now a week after he hurt himself, which is the third kid equivalent of rushing him straight to the emergency room.

The doctor moved his foot around and up and down and back and forth. James complained of pain in a few key locations. The doctor made eye contact with me and said softly "I'm trying to get him to wince."

"I once saw him fly sideways off an exercise bike, head first into a wall, then get up and walk away like nothing had happened."

"OK, well let's get him some xrays then."

When James came back in he said "They made me put my heel down and I almost cried."

In the end he was pronounced to have a bad sprain and told that he has to wear a boot for four weeks.

20181129_155234

This was very exciting news, as you might imagine, until I told him that he would need to play only with kids on our street since he would need to get himself there and back and he couldn't hobble over on the trail. I then dropped him at a friend's driveway as we passed their house and left him to his own devices. When I went to call him in for dinner I found him sitting on top of a six foot tall stone fence post. Headdesk.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Further attempts to exhaust the children

I know you're dying to know how my second day of Professoring while Parenting (TM) went down and I can answer that question by telling you that I told Ryan, my parents, and several strangers at the grocery store, that there is no way in hell I am ever taking those children to work with me again. I have softened somewhat on that position, now that I've got some distance from the actual experience, but you GUYS.

20181120_125623
Here's a happy camper who has NO intention of quietly enjoying a book for an hour while I give an exam. Spoiler alert: BINGO!

One bright spot: James and Mary found these toolboxes a block away with a sign on them indicating that they were "Free! Tools included!" James spent half an hour inching the first one home six inches at a time before returning for the second one with a wagon. Treasure!

20181120_151434

By the time I met Ryan at swimming to hand them off so I could go see Crimes of Grindelwald with my friend Rosa it was all I could do to not lay a patch in the parking lot.

Wednesday morning I had a PT appointment, which means they had to sit still in the waiting room for fifty minutes watching whatever they wanted on TV. It went marginally better but probably mostly because I was white knuckling through the day determined to not go to bed feeling like an unfun asshole for a third night in a row.

Things picked up after that because we stopped at a sub place for a picnic and then went for a hike.

20181121_112618

20181121_115919
Mary shared their bag of chips by eating one and then feeding one to James, whether he was ready for it or not.

On our next stop, which was a park next to a wide stream, Wes somehow apparated to the other side.

20181121_125213

I told the kids "We can take off when Wes gets back" and then looked up to see him fifteen feet up the side of a limestone cliff, shimmying across to the other side of the park. The rest of us took an actual bridge to join him on the other side and found a giant, forty-foot wall of limestone. The kids ran behind the cliff and were goofing around. It had just occurred to me to go looking for them when I heard a tiny voice from above.

20181121_131701
Look for tiny blue dots.

I climbed up there to demonstrate some measure of parental responsibility.

20181121_131919
It was a little less scary from the other side.

After nearly an hour of climbing around on giant boulders and jumping around like goats, we were walking back to the car and James tried to jump between two landscaping boulders and severely twisted his foot. Wes and I helped him hop to the car where he rallied by the time we got home. He was still limping bad enough the next day that I texted my podiatrist friend who diagnosed him with a shrug and instructions to "watch it". It was much better today by the time we had lunch with the same podiatrist this afternoon, and after he watched him walk around a little at my request, James and his two kids spent thirty minutes running in screechy circles around an apartment building next to the restaurant. Phew, saved an unnecessary copay! And a broken foot!

Wednesday night we made pies and played board games. It was just as cozy as it sounds.

20181121_201426

And Thursday we spent the day at my parents' house having a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner with mountains of food and wine, great company, and four kinds of pie (Once, in a small town newspaper in Maine, we read an advertisement for a church supper, which listed the menu as "Stew, cornbread, green salad, and of course, pie" so now we always say "Of course, pie."). After an afternoon eating and playing in the woods and paired with their inability to read analog clocks, the kids went straight to bed,as a matter of course, at six PM. Ryan and I had time to watch an entire movie before I fell into a pie coma.

I woke up early today for a row and then we spent the rest of the day hiking. We only intended to go for a couple of hours and then eat lunch at this taco place right by the trail head, but we ended up having so much fun, meeting friends for lunch, and then heading back to the trail afterward. We spent six hours and two of the kids were completely soaked from head to toe when it was time to go.

James was the first to fall in up to his shoulders.

20181123_103643

It was so pretty.

20181123_111606

20181123_143652

20181123_114832

20181123_113917

I just Google Earth'ed our route so I could tell you our impressive total, but turns out that we spent four hours hiking a little bit more than two miles. Stopping for accidental swimming really cuts into the miles you can cover, but it wore out the kids all the same, so ALL THE BETTER.

Wes walked easily three times as far as the rest of us and spent most of the time running. Running up hills, running over the trail, running up rocks. And after all that, while the little kids and I waited at the trail head, after hours of this, he came jogging up the steep trail holding his sopping wet shirt in his hand. I do not know what fuels that kid, but I'm imagining some kind of nuclear power plant. Or maybe it was the two tacos he had for lunch. At any rate, keeping these kids inside now seems cruel and I'd do well to remember that the next time I need to take them to work with me, which will be never (this is not true). Ryan's thinking of a bike ride for tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Adventures in professionalism

The kids have the whole week off for Thanksgiving and because I'm the lucky one with the flexible job that means I get to take them with me to work Monday and Tuesday. This is when I get to cash in all the times other people bring their dogs to work by bringing a painfully loud pack of my own puppies. They take over the study lounge at the end of the hall, watch terrible TV, make literal reams of paper airplanes (yesterday I thought I would be the cool mom and let them release them from the third floor railing into the atrium; I was rewarded for this kindness by Mary having the loudest screaming tantrum in her LIFE and refusing to get out of the elevator. When I tried to pick her up and run away she did that sea cucumber thing and slunk to the floor. I finally fireman carried her back to my office, still screaming, as one of my department chairs watched with open amusement), go to the bathroom fourteen times a minute (the bathrooms on the first floor only have one stall and when James, who is on a *treatment*, we will say, had to GO, he ran in to find the only stall occupied (by another colleague), he shouted "Oh NO!!!!" before slamming the door and running back into the hallway), and bicker, constantly.

 (One more elevator anecdote I somehow forgot about: the boys ran out onto the second floor while Mary was screaming and then tried to get back in, but the doors closed automatically. From inside the elevator I could hear them pounding their fists on the door and screaming MARY!!!! MARY!!!)

We capped that relaxing experience with an attempt to find Mary a holiday dress at two different stores and a trip to pick up our curbside groceries and by the time we got home everyone was in trouble and I had made evening plans that required me to leave about eight seconds after Ryan arrived home.

We are back at school today because hope springs eternal and also all our babysitters are either home for the break or spending their time preparing thanksgiving for us. Both classes have an exam today, so the kids are camped out in an adjacent study lounge watching a movie while the husband of one of my students, a tall guy with a big beard, sits nearby and looks imposingly at them every few minutes.  I have also warned them that we will go home and eat peanut butter and jelly instead of visiting the dining hall, the very Shangri La of their existance, if they screw around.

So I am hopeful today will go better.

And if not, I have movie plans with a friend at 6:40.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Quick like a bandaid

I finally got my act together and called to schedule the kids' flu shots a couple of weeks ago and all they had available were some spots at a flu shot clinic in mid-November. I had them pencil us in, wrote it on the Google calendar, and then promptly forgot all about it until Tuesday night at dinner when Wes said something about a friend getting a flu shot and then I exclaimed "OH! THAT'S TODAY!" I quickly checked the clock and we still had a comfortable twenty minutes to get in the car and make it in plenty of time.

The kids were DUMBSTRUCK and ate the rest of their dinner in hostile silence. Having had two kids go through cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety, this is NOT HOW WE USUALLY HANDLE SCARY THINGS.

On the way there Charley riled everyone up by talking incessantly about how "this one time, my friend left school to get a flu shot and when he came back there was BLOOD RUNNING ALL THE WAY DOWN HIS ARM!"

James laughed maniacally and Wes screamed "STOP IT RIGHT NOW CHARLEY!" and trying to hit James from the third row.

The bickering reached a crescendo right as we got stuck in some traffic and Ryan barked at everyone to STOP TALKING NOW ALL OF YOU I MEAN IT!

Someone asked snottily what's so bad about getting the flu and I responded tersely as I tried to merge in front of an eighteen wheeler in the dark, "IT'S LIKE THE WORST COLD YOU'VE EVER HAD EXCEPT YOU ALSO HAVE A FEVER AND YOUR BODY HURTS SO MUCH YOU CAN'T MOVE."

Apparently, their memory of two years ago when THREE OF THEM PLUS RYAN got the flu includes lots of time off, watching TV and getting fussed over, and not feeling like death.

When we arrived they all slinked into the healthy kid waiting room and collapsed onto the tiny Ikea chairs. James separated himself from the pack, choosing a love seat on the end of the room. He just sat there with his coat on, staring into the middle distance, looking green.

They called us back quickly and all six of us crammed into this tiny exam room. "Who is going first?" the nurse asked, and Charley the tweenager climbed his tall body up onto the table. She unceremoniously swabbed his shoulder with alcohol and jabbed the shot in. He didn't even react. When she said "Next!" he looked at her incredulously and said "That's IT?! I didn't even feel that!"

After that show, Wes was ready to go for it. He climbed up, pulled up his sleeve, and got his shot. He was similarly unimpressed with how bad it didn't hurt. James did the same thing.

After the three boys reported the shot to be completely painless (in what was no doubt a competitive show of bravado because I've had a flu shot and it definitely hurts but no boy wants to be less tough than their older brother), Mary bounced chipperly over to the exam table and climbed up. Ryan rolled up her sleeve, the nurse swabbed her shoulder and jabbed the needle in (with little fanfare, because as she mentioned, "We have a hundred and forty of these things to do tonight"). I watched as Mary's excited smile collapsed and her lip started shaking. She looked at Ryan, totally betrayed. Like the little boy in The Emperor Has No Clothes, Mary knew that everyone else was full of it and she was CRUSHED.

Ryan pulled her slumped body into a giant hug while the boys skipped off to the lobby to get stickers. It took two of us to thread her sad arm gingerly into her coat. She may never trust the brothers again.

Mary spent some time in the waiting room choosing her sticker and Charley approached me with a brochure in hand, "MOM. Did you know there's a flu MIST???" "What's a flu mist?!" Wes asked quickly. "Wait, did we not have to get a SHOT?!" James caught on "No shot? Why did we have to get a shot?! What's the mist?" I told him "The mist is just like the shot except they give it to you in your NOSE!" which is technically true but sufficiently unpleasant sounding to stop the argument.

The whole ride home was much happier than the ride there, with everyone clamoring to tell each other how much it didn't hurt. Mary sniffled.

Every time Mary has to move her arm she gives all of us MASSIVE side eye.

This morning they tried to go sledding on the frost using a pizza box.

2018-11-15_10-43-54

Monday, November 12, 2018

That time I went to the South Pole

I'm sure one day I will look back and remember fondly the day Mary got a case of the sillies so severe that she fell down the stairs. And that later that same evening James tried to read a whole Curious George story in an over the top Gone With the Wind accent and they both started laughing so hard that James required two teaspoons of benadryl and four puffs of albuterol to get his breathing under control.

(Side note: "albuterol" auto-corrects to "butterball". James would probably love it if he could literally inhale turkey)

In other news, while at the Antarctic Ice workshop I attended in New Hampshire this summer, we filled out postcards that one of the scientists then took on an expedition to Antarctica and dropped in the mail. It was so cool to get the post card in the mail today. The kids were GOBSMACKED.

James noticed immediately how COLD the paper was (because it had been outside in the 40 degree mailbox). And Wes breathlessly asked me several questions about penguins before I stopped him and tried to explain. NO, he said, DO PENGUINS REALLY WALK UPRIGHT OR ARE THEY MORE LEANED OVER? James asked me earnestly if I got to see where Santa lives. I responded, you're thinking of the North Pole, this is from the South Pole, and he said OHH. You went to the South Pole.

Charley just stared at it. Then looked at me. Then looked back at the post card.

2018-11-12_08-52-19

2018-11-12_08-51-58

2018-11-12_08-51-38

I say let 'em wonder.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Bowling Birthday and Winter Wonderland

Somehow Thanksgiving is next week and the weather is about to go all to hell in the morning. Ryan lit the pilot light for the gas fireplace and the students are becoming increasingly surly. It must be November.

Saturday we had a birthday party for Charley and Wes at a bowling alley and even though there were five sixth grade boys, four fourth grade boys, two second graders, and two kindergarteners, (and one three year old!), it was really fun and not that insane. When the bowling started everyone was so happy and cute that I thought "We could just bowl the whole two hours, this is awesome!" But around the fifty-five minute mark the sixth graders started getting punchy and bowling with two balls at once and it looked like a war was about to erupt in the fourth grade lane, I was super happy when the party helper came over to tell me the pizza was ready back in the party room. There are no pictures of this occasion partly because it was dark in the bowling alley, partly because I was trying to model not being on my phone all the time, and partly because it took us like fifteen minutes just to get everyone the right size shoes and mostly because there were a lot of moving parts.

But this was the first birthday party we have had in years that involved things like planning and entertainment and an actual Evite, rather than a frantic series of same-day texts and last minute transportation change request forms at the school. It felt delightfully easy (yes! Even easier than the pool pizza party we had for Mary and a couple of friends that ended with head staples for Mary's best friend Jones!) to show up half an hour ahead of time, Costco cake in hand, and then just walk away from the trashed party room at the end of the afternoon.

We gave the kids goody bags with a deck of cards and a pack of gum each, with a handwritten card Mary made for each one that said "Thanks for coming". I worried irrationally that it wasn't enough, but the kids were so excited. And I'm assuming the parents were grateful that I wasn't sending home another bag of candy a week after Halloween.

And then we went home to get ready for the friends who were coming for dinner. Because I know myself and because I didn't want to be anxious about dinner and let that make me into an impatient jerk at the end of the birthday party, I cleaned up the whole house and made two batches of chili Saturday morning, so that after the party we would have ninety minutes to just drive home and walk in. And it WORKED. All I had to do when I got home was a quick stir of the chili warming in the instant pot and dump the kids' chili into a pot and put it on the stove, shred up some cheese, and we were good to go. The friends brought some amazing cornbread and three kinds of beer selected to pair well with the chili (being friends with a brewmaster is fun this way) and three great kids that my kids have missed now that we no longer live across the street. There was much commotion and laughter and leftover cake and beer and chili. The kids had the run of the house while the adults lingered at the table and mitigated kid drama from afar. It was so cozy and fun.

And tonight we have leftover chili (though we did finish the cake with lunch) and corn bread and beer, so the party continues.

We went to church this morning and the boys all wore matching shirts, so I tried to get a picture on the prayer garden like we used to do.

2018-11-11_03-53-04
Wes is ticked, Mary is adorable, James has to pee, and Charley wants to know why Wes is pissed.

I took everyone else to find a seat while Ryan tried to find out what was wrong with Wes. I looked back and saw them come in the back doors, but they didn't actually come to our seats until about twenty minutes into the service. Ryan leaned over and told me "He was mad because he couldn't bring a toy to church with us. I had almost calmed him down enough to come in here, but then he pulled away from me and accidentally body checked an elderly woman and we had to start all over again."

Wes and James and I visited an open house on our street and then walked home, where the kids found this big pile of "OMG FALL LEAVES!" that someone had presumably swept into the street with a leaf blower. Making leaf angels in a six foot long pile of brown leaves in the street is like peak Texan fall behavior, but they are so sincere and adorable (until they brought them home and were about to dump them in our yard).

20181111_130239

We have spent the rest of the afternoon doing homework and practicing instruments (kids) and sitting by the fireplace wrapped in all the fleece things and under a blanket, even though it is fifty out right now and I should really leave myself some room for tomorrow when it is in the low forties and Tuesday when it is in the low thirties.